starting to feel the stresses

I've always been a Christmas person. Christmas in our house growing up was a huge event, where my mom outdid herself year after year. I have looked forward to it every year. I've even managed to make it something Chris enjoys, as he wasn't totally into the whole Christmas thing when we first started celebrating together 6 years ago. This year feels so different though. I have been looking forward to seeing the holiday through Olivia's eyes. She is so into everything; the lights, music, movies, decorations, the Nativity, Santa {though from afar}, and of course the presents. It brings such joy to see her experiencing this all in such a first hand way this year. But, with all that being said, this year feels so different.

I am so beyond stressed out about the whole Christmas thing. It leaves me finding it hard to catch my breath and not sleeping. This is my family's first holiday season where my parents aren't together. It is hard for me to even type those words. It isn't supposed to be like this. I am supposed to be overjoyed at the idea of our fist holiday together as a married family, our first holiday season in our new home. But I'm not. Instead I feel pulled in so many different directions that it has been hard for me to "keep my eye on the prize", a season of creating memories and traditions for my new family unit. Instead I feel like the referee in a he said-she said match, trying to show both my parents the love and support I know they both need. Trying to be the big sister I have always been {more like a second mom really} making sure they are all getting through this, with as little hurt and pain as possible. This shouldn't be my responsibility, but just as it has been since our nannies left, it seems to have fallen on my shoulders. And it has me feeling defeated and exhausted.

I feel pulled to make everyone happy. Make sure this season is wonderful for Olivia and Christopher first and foremost, but also my mom and my dad, my sisters, and my brother. I know this isn't going to be possible. Even in good times, my family is hard to please. Not only are there a lot of them, but everyone has such high expectations. Everyone has been catered to for so long that everyone thinks they should get their way. {This doesn't paint the prettiest picture of us, but it is very true}. We have been spoiled by the way our life has been for so long. The mom, the dad and the kids doing everything together. And this year that has all crumbed apart. This year it's who's doing this with mom and whose doing that with dad. None of us want to leave either of them feeling left out. But in the end, we all feel left out. We don't get to experience the things we always have with BOTH parents. This hurts me so much.

I'm trying so hard to keep this holiday "normal". I've been watching my favorite Christmas movies, baking the cookies, decorating the house, throwing the parties, buying and wrapping the presents. We will go to the traditional Christmas Eve mass followed by the same Italian restaurant we've been going to for years, for the traditional seven fishes dinner. And just as it always has been, it will be both my parents, all of my siblings, Chris, Olivia, and my wonderful mother in law, and me. That's were the normalcy will end though. What will Christmas day be like? I'm scared to think about it.

I know I'm not the first person to go through this. The reason Chris didn't look forward to Christmas the way I did, was because he grew up with his parents divorced as long as he can remember. I never understood it, how could Christmas not be a time of total joy and love? I get it now.

For now, I am trying to remember that it is not my job to make this holiday happy for my parents and siblings. My parents are adults and can take care of themselves. My siblings have my parents, who are still responsible for their happiness, married or not. My priorities are Chris, Olivia, and myself. It was time to create new traditions for our little family anyway. This may not have been how I imagined them starting, but it's a good a time as ever. Right?